Bakers, do you worry that you, too, might be a wreckerator?
Well, have no fear, pastry pros! There are plenty of warning signs to look for:
You Might Be A Wreckerator If....
- ...you consider "happy" a four-letter word.
- ...your cakes have more plastic on them than frosting.
- ...when you say, "I could just eat you up!" to a baby, you really mean it.
"It's...looking at me." "Ugly little spud, isn't it?" "I think it can hear you, Ray."
- ...cupcake cakes are your "specialty."
- ...your family crest says, "Spell check is for loosers."
- ...you not only know what this is, you think it's well done:
- ...you're frequently asked what time the earthquake hit.
- ...you pride yourself on following customer requests to the letter:
And finally, you might be a wreckerator if...
...you have to ban photography in your bakery to stop your cakes from showing up on Cake Wrecks.
(I get the e-mails, folks; I know you're out there!)
Thanks to Kimber, Amy S., Lori M., Carrie M., Whitney, Mary Rose, Liz, Stephanie B., Lisa R., & JR, who think it'd make more sense to just hire better bakers, but that's why they're not "good" management material.
Yesterday we learned that writing names on cake can result in some pretty unfortunate nicknames.
But what if you already have an adorable nickname? Like "Briana Banana?" How do you wreck that up?
Well, in that case, I suppose the baker could always misspell it.
But that's kind of boring, right? So, let's see... what if - hypothetically - the baker misspelled "banana", but then also, instead of drawing a banana on the cake, she tossed a real, unpeeled banana on top?
No, wait - first she should shrink-wrap the banana and draw a smiley face on it with a Sharpie. Eh? And then tie a bunch of curly ribbon around the banana stem. Totally.
And then - THEN - just because all of that makes way too much sense, the baker could sprinkle something really ridiculous all around the shrink wrapped smiley-face banana with curly ribbon tied on its stem. Something like...I dunno...little tiny dog bones.
Yeah. That would be one AWESOME wreck. Hypothetically speaking, of course.
OK, so... we've known each other for a long time now, right? And um, I just think, I mean, I really think that we're ready to, you know, take that next step together, you and me, so... I was wondering, if you would do me the honor of...
It appears that this birthday girl is turning 30 and likes cupcakes and presents. (Hey, so do I!) I hope she didn't think the bracelet was a present too, because it's 100% eat-able.
Do the cogs of your steampunk-loving-heart whir mechanically in a beating fashion for this pocket-watch?
The interior is actually set in gelatin to resemble resin. So cool. Not to mention setting the bar very high for the typical "Jello cake," which consists of poking holes in a cake and pouring Jello mix inside.
Next up is this lovely triple-strand pearl necklace cake. (I'm betting the stand is cake too, otherwise that would make for a very, very small cake).
Pearl trivia alert: Did you know it's bad luck to be given a pearl? If it's a gift, you should buy it from the giver, even if you just give them a dime in return. Not sure if pearl cakes fall into this category, so just give it to me and I'll bravely test the theory out.
But seriously, I just don't know about this 'decorating with jewelry' trend, because if I came to a party where the cake was dripping with matching necklaces, I would get all excited and think it was some kind of cool party favor display.
I didn't even know you could buy fructose. What does it look like? Does it come in a bag? I probably would have just attempted to microwave Jolly Ranchers or something, which is why I am not a professional cake-maker. (However, I do make a mean Jello cake.)
And speaking of emeralds, this cake features so many it could be the Wizard of Oz's wedding cake. If he like, really liked earrings, or something.
An Educational Overview from Cake Wrecks aka Grammar time! (Can't wreck this! Whoah-OH!)
Students, today we're going to look at how your lessons apply in the real world. Pay attention, because the pop quiz starts...now.
It's quite common for people to confuse "you're" and "your." Here's a simple way to remember which is witch:
This is wrong:
...because it raises the question, "Your old WHAT?"
This is correct:
Although it should be noted that owning an old Kurt in this day and age will never be "right."
Here's another proper usage you high schoolers may find more relevant:
Next, this rhyme can really come in handy for your spelling skills:
"I before E except after C..."
"but not in the words 'Tigers'...
"'their'...
"Or 'anniversary!'"
Quotation marks are vital for indicating when you're quoting someone verbatim or just being really, really sarcastic:
*Asterisks often denote footnotes, albeit sometimes invisible ones. Invisible footnotes are the work of the Knights Templar, and should be reported to Dan Brown "immediately."
A homonym (n) is each of two different words having the same pronunciation but different meanings, spellings, or both.
For example, "here" is where we are now:
While "hear" is what we do with our ears:
Next time we'll also discuss properly distinguishing your cursive "w"s from your "m"s.
Luckily, putting the proper endings on number contractions like first, second and third is as easy as 1th, 2th, 3th!
Well, I'm sure this lesson has been super helpful, students, so for your homework I want you all to show your teacher what you've just learned with an informative drawing. Bonus points if you use sprinkles. Or bring cake to class. Or write a sonnet entitled, "Why Jen from Cake Wrecks Deserves an Honorary PhD and also a Working Proton Pack, If Possible."
Now, chop chop!
Oh, and next week: biology!
Thanks to Ruth, Shane S., Gal N., Beth N., Brandi H., Amy S., Carla D., Margaret J., Maria R., Sarah R., Christina M., Nicole S., Michele T., & Jess for believing the children are our future. And for teaching them "well" and letting them lead the weigh.
*****
P.S. Teachers, if your classrooms need any more fun artwork I've got just the set for you:
I especially like how they're all spelled correctly. :D (I think my favorite is "May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears." So many good ones, though.)
"I'd like a dragon cake, and could you have it breathing flame onto the cake board?"
"...And her name is Jayce. Like Joyce, but with an 'a,' not an 'o.'"
(For the longest time I couldn't figure out what "a-noPanO" meant. Finally I gave up and looked up the original e-mail.)
"Oh, you're writing this down? Great. Just write, 'Good luck, Kim.' And in big letters, could you add 'Have fun!' on the form, too? Thanks!"
"I'd like it to say, 'Thank you, Lord.' Just put 'Thank you' on one side of the cross, and 'Lord' on the other."
(I don't think the wreckerator understands the true gravity of this situation.)
"I'd like it to have 'Happy Birthday, Dad,' and under that a king of hearts playing card."
It turns out that in this bakery, a picture is only worth five words.
Thanks to Abigail, Jim K., Nikolaos J., Misty K., & Kelly C., who was secretly hoping for an "Under Neat That" on the last cake. Weren't you, Kelly? It's ok, you can admit it; I was, too.
******
P.S. Here's a (hilarious) reminder that English is almost as confusing as these cakes:
Will you guys ever get tired of seeing wedding missed marks? 'Cuz I'm thinking, "no."
Let's test that theory, shall we?
What the bride wanted:
What the bride got:
That'll buff out.
A lovely leaf motif:
And a lovely...oh good grief:
Actually, that leaf design is so popular I have two wedding wrecks based on it:
Whoah. This baker needs to make like a tree, and get out of tree decorations.
(Hm. I feel like that line didn't go quite right. Maybe I should follow it up with something clever.)
So.
YEAH.
(Theeere we go.)
This next one's in reverse order; here's what Anthony L's bakery replaced another bakery's initial wreck with, and with only an hour and a half to do so before the wedding started:
Not bad for less than two hours' work, right?
Especially when you compare what the original cake (again, from another bakery) looked like:
Am I the only one who thinks this looks like Play-Doh? I keep expecting it to spring to life, claymation style. And then maybe turn into a giant demon dog and terrorize a nerdy New York accountant.
Just me?
Here's a fun, modern pattern:
Aaaaand the fun stops HERE:
It's never a good sign when your cake is crying.
Goodness gracious, great balls on wires!
Seriously. They're like shiny little bubbles of joy - totally cute.
These, on the other hand, are just...
...balls.
Thanks to Krista V., Emily B., Allison I., Anthony L., Tempest J., & Sarah B. for feeding our horrible wedding wreck obsession.
*****
P.S. In case your life was missing a set of cat butt magnets, I found you some:
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![Welcome to the Linguistics Department - It has been [2] [DAYS] since someone noticed that the Biology Department sign has a one-day-long singular/plural disagreement after it resets.](https://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/biology_department.png "Welcome to the Linguistics Department - It has been [2] [DAYS] since someone noticed that the Biology Department sign has a one-day-long singular/plural disagreement after it resets.")
